so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
