I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
