I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Welp...herpes.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
