the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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