Cold hands, warm shart.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
pop tarts are not kleenex
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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