Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
