mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
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