I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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