Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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