If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
