so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
