the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
