Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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