Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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