Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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