he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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