I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I will be naked everywhere
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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