Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
