dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
