Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
