So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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