I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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