Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
