If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
