So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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