i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
