Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
