I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
