Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
