I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
