First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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