I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
