seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize