I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Found your dick twin last night
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
