I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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