Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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