The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
