There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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