if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
