My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
