you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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