I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
