ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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