Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize