even my farts smell like vagina
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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