Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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