We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
