I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize