You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
