If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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