Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize