I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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