Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
