my phone needs a breathalizer
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
