I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
