I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
