my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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