textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
