DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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