I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
