u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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