Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
