omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize