sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
the raccoons are back...
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