Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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