I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
