I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
